Who Would You Be If The World Hadn't Told You Who To Become?

Do you already know?

What is Rebellion, really?

It’s you. Your voice. That raw, unfiltered, authentic expression of itself BEFORE the world tells you who to be. That’s the journey. Whether guarding that voice so diligently or finding your way back to it after it’s been trampled on- THAT is the rebellion.

Here is why I know this to be true.

In 2000, it was the first time I became painfully aware of the power of voice. It was the beginning of my career, age 25. I was cast in a supporting role in a huge movie with a great director. To make a very long and painful story short, I was told by my reps to “keep my head down” from the producer on the film. He was known as a notorious animal that could “make or break your career.”

Not having a clue what any of this meant—“I just want to act,” I said.

When the director called me and told me that he was fighting with this producer over anything and everything—and I was one of those things—I was petrified. Days later, this producer started calling me at home, at all times of the day, and requesting things that he knew would be impossible. With every demand, he’d say, “Do it or you’re fired.”

After a solid week of this nonstop insanity, I called my reps for some help. The next week he fired me and replaced me with the person he wanted for the role, just like he did with three other cast members.

I was beyond devastated. But what happened next quite literally changed the course of not only my career, but me.

I remember getting the call from my agent saying that one of the biggest movies casting at that time wanted to hire me for a lead!!! I was beyond ecstatic. This movie would have catapulted me into an “A-list” actor. What that meant to me was simply getting to be in the mix for better roles, as I cared little about fame. The years of waiting tables to put myself through acting school all seemed to make sense now.

As I waited for the official offer to come in, I received a call from that director from the first film with a warning. He said that notorious producer was coming for me.

“What? Why?” I asked.

He said, “Because he can. That’s who he is. That’s the power of his voice.”

I immediately called my reps and told them about the conversation. I was informed the role I was waiting for went to someone else and that I should have kept my “head down.” This producer had been spreading the word around town now that I was a drug addict and shouldn’t be hired. Which is why I didn’t get that lead role. And just like that, he ended a young girl’s career. Didn’t matter that I had never done a drug before in my life.

When I asked for help from my reps I was told, “No one can go up against him. Just lay low.” Within weeks I had lost my agent, manager and everything I had worked and dreamt of.

More importantly- I lost my footing on what I thought was solid ground-me. What did I do wrong? Nothing felt safe. Because it wasn’t. I began questioning everything I did, said, and was. This experience made me second guess everything about myself and how I showed up in the world. It was devastating, traumatic and held its grip around my neck until just recently.

Around 2010, after years of begging for answers about my health decline—stomach issues, recurring sinus infections, and what became severe panic disorder—I finally received a diagnosis.

It was Celiac disease.

The “worst case I’ve ever seen, and I don’t know how you’re alive” was the exact quote from the doctor.

Celiac was nothing I’d ever heard of but I was so THRILLED to learn I had it. You see, for years I was made to feel as though what I was experiencing wasn’t true. It was just me being “emotional,” “stressed,” “hormonal,” or just, well, “nuts.” And because of my history I was ready to “keep my head down” and believe it.

I was given a small pharmacy of any and all pills you could imagine and many numbers to psychologists. None of which was the issue—I was ill. But I’d been told so many times at this point that maybe what I felt, thought, experienced wasn’t correct.

Around 2011, after years of self-healing, I wanted to do what I could to help others dealing with this disease. Not to mention the deep pain one feels after being gaslit for so long. I compiled all the things I did to start to heal and put a plan together to write a book about my battle with Celiac disease. My then-agency told me to stick to acting and pushed the idea of a book aside.

I found a publisher on my own and pitched them the idea- they loved it. That book became Jennifer’s Way, a New York Times bestseller and a cherished book by those struggling with celiac and beyond.

Around 2013, I decided to take my strictly gluten-free vegan recipes and open a bakery. The first of its kind in NYC. Through my extensive research, I discovered just how bad our food supply was and how so many could benefit from eating a gluten-free diet. I went on countless meetings, bringing samples of my food and all my research to some big investors in the food space.

I was laughed at.

One meeting in particular, a HUGE CEO of a cupcake company, said, “This is a niche industry and a nice hobby for you, but it’s not a business, sweetheart.”

At this point in my life I was so tired of being underestimated, that I emptied my bank account and opened the bakery anyway. I did this to help the celiac community but also to hide from the world within the walls of that 500sq space on the lower east side of NY.

The gluten-free industry wound up skyrocketing a few years later into a billion-dollar industry and keeps growing to this day.

Throughout my career in the entertainment industry, I had pitched an idea for a film around Hollywood called FRESH KILLS. A movie that looked at the mafia from the female’s POV. No one took me seriously.

Just like my introduction to the industry, depicted in the first story above—JUST STAY QUIET, seemed to be the sentiment.

This was my entire existence in my career. The rules were clear, especially for women—show up cute, obliging, young, and keep your mouth shut. And don’t forget—be grateful. Be grateful for even being there. Asking for more was NOT in the cards.

And I tried. For years and years, I really tried to be less of, well- EVERYTHING. Less talkative, less ethnic, “less NY,” more “easy-going,” more like so-and-so, and the list goes on of all the things I should be and was not.

Years later, after a long journey of unraveling all of the labels, boxes, and “should be’s” about myself, I KNEW I HAD TO do something. I became so painfully depressed, lost and broken. Somewhere hidden under years and years of listening to what the world told me I should be was a small, fragile, voice speaking- softly.

It was begging me to be who I knew I COULD BE-regardless of what the world was saying. It told me to stop waiting for ANYONE to come help me, save me, give me permission, a chance, or the greenlight to begin. NO ONE was coming.

It was purely up to me. My life was no one’s concern but my own.

I set out to write FRESH KILLS a story that had haunted me for years. I told myself I would not stop until it was done.

After completing the script, I shopped it around. No one cared to read it. When I asked for money from investors, I was told, “You need a male lead. No one will care about the women in this life.” I was also told I was a first-time female writer/director and the chances of me getting funding were nearly impossible. When I realized still no one was stepping up, I mortgaged my home to make this “impossible” movie. I was told how stupid that was. I went on to make my film. The road was beyond tough, raw, brutal, and at every step there was another enormous challenge—but I did it anyway.

FRESH KILLS—the first mafia genre film based on the POV of the women, but really what it is about - is FINDING A VOICE IN A WORLD THAT TELLS YOU NOT TO HAVE ONE. And this was my gift to that kid who “just wanted to act”and got squashed- not only in my career but in my heart for far too long.

There is nothing worse than living an unrealized life, with unrealized potential. It causes physical pain. I know this in my soul. Other things I know- the world benefits from you staying small. If you keep listening to it, you’ll never move. If you keep waiting for permission, you’ll never start. And mostly, if you keep allowing the world to silence your voice, you will eventually stop hearing it.

Maybe it’s time to stop begging the world to see you, hear you, help you, diagnose you, and start leaning into that voice that KNOWS exactly what to do.

FRESH KILLS premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival. I had ZERO representation at the time. Just me. And that proved to be enough.

xo Jen

FRESH KILLS went on to win the Audience Award at The Hamptons International Film Festival as well as the NYWIFT Award for Excellence in Directing. The Artistic Directors Award for Best Film from the San Diego Film Festival. Two awards from The Annapolis Film Festival—Grand Jury Prize for Best Film and Best Cast. Plus me winning several awards in writing/directing and an ASTRA AWARD for Filmmaker on the Rise.

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If this resonates with you please share. We all deserve to be living rebelliously and I hope to help lead you in that direction!