Porn, Freedom and Scones!

The #1 Fantasy for Women will shock you- or will it?

I came across something in a book I was listening to while driving. The author was speaking about research on porn culture—how men seem to be much more obsessed with it than women and what it actually represents.

The researcher’s findings stopped me in my tracks. So much so that I had to pull my car over to sit for a moment.

Here are her findings-

For men, their fantasies weren’t just about sex. It’s about power, control over women, dominance, submission.

Yes- nothing new about this.

Here’s where I pulled over.

When she studied women’s fantasies, she found something very different.

For women, the number one fantasy wasn’t sex at all.

It was freedom.

Sit with me on the side of the road for a moment.

Freedom! The #1 fantasy for women was FREEDOM!

A woman’s deepest longing wasn’t about being wanted, taken, or possessed—it was about escape.

Let that land.

I mean when you think about it- we have been deeply conditioned since birth so it makes perfect sense. But wow.

From the moment we are born, we are placed in a box. We’re dressed in pink, handed dolls, given our Easy-Bake Ovens, while boys are told to be tough, to be leaders, to take up space.

We are groomed into obedience. Trained into passivity. Conditioned into taking up as little room as possible.

And when we dare to want more—when we step out of line—we are shoved back into place.

And lately, that shove has been feeling more like a full-force push.

I was having this discussion with a friend of mine, and we started to chat about it. And this friend said to me:

"And how fucked—we’ll never know who we would have been."

I thought, What do you mean? We can undo it. This conditioning, we can undo it!

"No. We can’t. Not really," she said. “We will never see from that pure untouched view of the world. We can try to undo it all, but to freely just come to discover who you could have been without that conditioning is impossible. Who you’d actually be -you’ll never REALLY know."

This left me dumbfounded. She was right. How could we know a life that we never had an option to in the first place?

As my friend said, it goes deep. Never knowing that true freedom to BECOME-whatever- is a painful thing to swallow.

Kind of makes sense why women’s #1 fantasy is FREEDOM then, I’d say.

Let’s think on this for a moment-

Freedom from the constant fight. The fight to exist, the steep barriers to entry on every level, the relentless pushing through a glass ceiling made of plexiglass. All while working 10x’s harder, taking care of everyone and everything around us, adhering to the beauty and age standards so we can just be allowed to even exist in the first place. It’s all beyond exhausting.

Especially these days, when most of our steps forward are being pushed so far back. It almost feels like payback time. Payback for the strides we did make. Doesn’t it?

So what do we do? Give up the fight and take our space “back in the kitchen where we belong?”

That phrase really sucks as I actually like the kitchen. Baking and cooking is a form of escape (there’s that word again) and creativity for me. Something I desperately need in my life. Not only for my mental health but for my physical health as a Celiac and food allergy sufferer.

What also sucks though is that with all this constant fighting we lose a part of ourselves as women. Our femininity, our soft edges, our natural caring demeanor. Beautiful woman-ness is replaced with survival, self-sufficiency and “bad-ass.” I can speak for myself when I say the amount of “fight” and survival I’ve HAD TO do has taken its toll on me as a woman.

The months leading up to premiering my film, FRESH KILLS (on Hulu now), I had to gather outfits. I told the stylist I was working with, “NO GIRLY ANYTHING.” I knew if I showed up in a suit and not in the way I was usually expected to show up on a red carpet - in a dress, pretty, sexy, then maybe they would look at my film as a piece of work instead of judging my outfit or what my figure looked like in it. It was a very deliberate decision. And how sad that I had to make that decision. How sad that I cannot just show up and be proud of my film. How sad that I feel resentful for going back into the kitchen and making something that I want to eat, that nourishes me. I refuse to live this way. You cannot infiltrate every aspect of our lives. So I am getting back in the kitchen, I’m gonna whip up a damn scone, and I’ll be wearing a fucking ball gown if I so choose and if I choose to have a fantasy it will be one that I want and if it happens to be about escaping I’ll let you know where I wind up.

Because freedom isn’t given.

It’s taken.

And now, I present to you my Freedom Scone - gluten free and vegan. I’ll be sending the recipe to my paid subscribers. Make them, enjoy them and pair them with a glass of wine wearing a ball gown or damn tuxedo.

The choice is yours.

xx

jen